Why do I keep talking and writing about her. It’s really frustrating, the thread of my love connected to the concept of her hasn’t broken, instead it is stronger. This is why I hate my mind, as it has become wired to love her, love someone who will never love me. What tears at me in the deepest bowels of my core is that, as I write that she will never love me, my mind has deluded me into believing it not to be true; and as I write this fact mind has done the same once again so on and so forth. I am so deluded that I cannot shake this illusion of love.
I think about her every day, some days worse than others. I get reminded of her face and how I think she is absolutely adorable. I love how sarcastic and smart she is. She is so outrageous and funny and I feel she is the one whose madness matches mine. Regrettably, I feel this may be one of my delusions again. To have the audacity to think that my chaos is like hers… well that was some self-deprecation. I simply say it because she may not want to be associated with my own brand of insanity as I am so readily able and eager hers.
I don’t see much of her, and honestly we really communicated via instant messaging. We go to different schools I don’t drive, we’re going to college soon and I’m not working. How could I have a relationship? I’m so foolish and it is evident my delusions are heavily at work. They confuse me so much that even though I realize that these are or may be (once again at work) crippling delusions, I still believe that I may be deluded in having delusions. Not only that but I am deluded with the novel thought that maybe I am erroneous in how I am viewing the situation. Only seeing how it will not succeed as opposed to how it can.
That however, is irrelevant as she used the aforementioned as the basis of her reasoning as to why we cannot be together. Bear with me, this may be my own insecurities and biases based on my past experiences, but I personally think she actually didn’t like me the way I did her. That of course is no issue, I am fine with that. I just want her to find that person, that she will love and will love her and make her so happy. She has no interest as far as I’m concerned. We were becoming pretty good friends, but because of my confession, she was dissuaded from furthering our friendship. I was deluded into thinking that we could continue onwards as if nothing happened, but alas of course it could not be.
She still is strangely my muse, my experience with her made me feel so many emotions. The result of that is it is pretty easy for me to get to writing, not only in getting started but I am also more easily invested as well. The delusions have seeped into this, romanticizing the fact that even though I no longer in contact with her, my experience with she still inspires me. The delusion has created the idea that my love for her is so true, real and right that she is my eternal muse. That even though she is away and seemingly we aren’t meant to be, my love- and let no mistake be made, my and only my love, as it is not both of ours, the experience will continue to serve as my conceptual muse until we are reunited in our perfect and inevitable love. This is hilarious, it really is, how my delusions of true love are so deeply embedded into my being that I could think this could be the case. Also ew, just ew to the idea, that she is to serve as MY source of artistic inspiration. How sickening, the word “my” is the problem in the sentence and how it relative to the idea it’s tied to denotes almost a type of ownership, at least in that particular situation. Of course that’s not to say that someone you love cannot serve as inspiration, in fact in a relationship it can be symbiotic. The issue may lie in the fact that in actuality it is not a relationship and as a result it is not symbiotic, but instead a result of delusion and is almost selfish and parasitic. I dunno, maybe, I’m exaggerating a bit or overthinking it, I mean I am pretty sure I never had the intention to see her in the sense of some type of ownership, I’m simply trying to expound on the erroneous nature of my delusions.
I saw her recently, but pretended each time that I didn’t see her. I’m pretty sure she did the same. It felt kind of awkward, I really feel sick thinking about it right now. I hate it, the whole situation, the fact I’m still writing about her, and she probably isn’t thinking about me. The fact I still have hope that maybe we could be together one day. The fact that I am pretty sure these are indeed delusions, but I keep falling back into believing that they are reality. Hope and belief, two stones I received that were meant to be God’s message and guidance to me. How pompous, how prideful, how foolish, how delusional can I really be!? My delusion is so intricate and deep that it has twisted my perception of the gift given to me from God, was simply to support my inclination and desire to be together with a girl; and though I may not perceive her as just some girl, based on what I’ve revealed can my perception truly be trusted?